im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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