Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
