it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
