you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
