If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
