Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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