Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
