And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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