I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
