Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
