I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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