I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.