I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?