i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test