I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...