(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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