Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
