I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
