Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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