They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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