if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
