im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
