sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
