your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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