I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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