the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
