Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my vag is so smooth its legendary
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
