you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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