I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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