I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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