your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You were trust falling into bushes
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
