I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
