god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Terrible idea I love it
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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