Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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