Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
