Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
