Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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