My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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