I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
