so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
