He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
