so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
