Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
