I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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