I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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