why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
