God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
