i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
