so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
