Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
