you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want her autograph on my taint
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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