My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
