I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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