he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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