Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
