Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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