I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
