It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
