I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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