thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
