i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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