Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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