Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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